


London Fog

by n_vaughan



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brothers America & Canada (Hetalia), Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorders, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, america and england arent related though, america has an eating disorder, and some other unresolved trauma, anorexic america (hetalia), but it's not central to the plot, past america/russia - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:48:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27147584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_vaughan/pseuds/n_vaughan
Summary: Alfred had struggled with food for as long as he could remember. He'd moved out of his parents' house to go to college two years ago, and left behind everything to do with his hometown- including Arthur Kirkland, his ex best friend and the person he'd been pining after for 18 years straight. But when he comes back to visit for Christmas, everything he'd been suppressing comes rushing to the surface.
Relationships: America/England (Hetalia)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	London Fog

**Author's Note:**

> TW: it's probably not best to read this if you have an ED/are in recovery and think it might trigger you! please stay safe.

Alfred couldn’t tell anymore, whether he was falling or sinking. In a sense, it didn’t matter. Either way he was here now, eyes closed, with his fingernails tickling the back of his throat.

The blond had always liked food for as long as he remembered. It showed as a child. “Baby fat,” his mother would call it, and he’d pretend not to notice the slight quirk of her upper lip or the way her eyes narrowed at him at times, times when she’d stare at him for a while in thought. She’d tilt her head, narrow her eyes, give the slightest quirk of her lip, and there it would be- that little look. Narrowing her eyes and quirking her upper lip. Disgust, he’d come to realize it was.  
It was fine. There was no helping it.

And then there was Arthur. Alfred knew the other boy never really meant to hurt him, but when he’d get too upset- when Alfred would finally fuck up, say something to piss him off- Arthur was ruthless.  
 _“Fatass,”_ he’d called him once, with the same look that he’d seen his mother wear, but lacking her careful faux-polite restraint.  
 _“When are you going to stop stuffing your face? After you get diabetes from your strictly hamburger diet?”_

The memory was so old that Alfred didn’t remember what he’d done to provoke him, didn’t remember where they were, didn’t remember if it was before Arthur had gotten braces for middle school or during chem class or before their first day of college. Didn’t know why it stuck out in his memory the way it did.  
 _It doesn’t matter now though _, he thought glumly, the throbbing pain in his head only thrumming louder as he picked himself up from the cold bathroom tile. Even if he couldn’t put a date to the memory, he knew it was probably past time to forget it.__ Arthur probably had.  
Alfred and Arthur had been friends for as long as he could remember.  
 _'Friends.'_ Whatever they had felt a little too pale to be called that now, and it burned because Alfred had wanted _so much more_.

But then Artie told him he was going to University in London to be with his brothers, and Alfred couldn't bring himself to tag along. Didn't want to be a nuisance. Arthur had chosen to leave, and Alfred refused to stop him or hold him back or weigh him down, so he'd just given the best _"great, i knew you'd get accepted!"_ with the most enthusiasm he could muster. They left on simple terms- polite smiles, a painfully forced hug, pictures for their respective families’ scrapbooks that Alfred decidedly was not going to look at, and that was that. 18 years chopped short with a few simple goodbyes. 18 years. He was 20 now.  
It was stupid how bitter the memory seemed to taste. Or, that might have been stomach acid.

There was no use dwelling on it all. So Alfred wouldn’t let himself.  
He took in a deep breath and flushed the toilet, stomach turning while he watched the mess he made get washed away. Back when he lived with his parents, he’d had to run the shower while he did this, just to get away from the painfully fake concern that would cross his mother’s face. But now he was alone. No use dwelling on the thought. No use dwelling on any of it now that he was alone.  
 _Alone_ , a little voice in the back of his head mused. _Alone, alone, alone_. Alfred chose to ignore it.

* * *

“What about you? What are your plans for the holidays?” Kiku asked, nimble fingers swiping a lock of black hair behind his ear.  
They were sat at a cafe close to campus, right next to the window. This close to Christmas time, nobody was out. The whole town seemed to have gone home for the winter already, probably picking out gifts or visiting cousins or whatever it was that they did.  
Kiku was a Japanese exchange student who didn’t have money for a flight. Alfred was procrastinating seeing anyone he’d known for longer than four semesters. They made a pretty convenient pair- and Kiku actually seemed to tolerate his incessant whining, his nervous ticks, even laughed at his half-baked jokes. Lightly, of course, but it was a nice laugh all the same. Even now Kiku seemed to be comfortable with his presence, a small smile playing on his lips.  
When the sight of his friend became almost too much- naturally thin features, deep brown eyes that Alfred was sure he could love if he were less… himself, pin straight hair that seemed to fall and frame his face like water- Alfred would turn his head and get lost in the snow.

“Well, yknow. Gonna grace my hometown with my presence and all,” he said with a forced half smile, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.

Alfred was a family man, after all. Deck the halls, etc. etc.

“You’re going to see your parents? Alfred, think about this-” Kiku’s voice rose, tone almost indignant- though Alfred didn’t know why. There was nothing for him to be concerned about.

“Chill out for a sec, dude, I’ve thought about it. And- I’ll be fine. When am I ever not? And like- I’m sure mom is missing my irreplaceable humor.” He snorted, wrapping his hands around the otherwise untouched mug in front of him and stared down into his drink. A small source of warmth.  
He heard Kiku sigh, and turned to look out of the window. A starling landed on a treebranch not too far from them, disrupting the little blanket of snow and causing clumps of it to fall. Alfred shifted under his shirt, and his pullover, and his overcoat. Under his scarf and his gloves. Under the layer of chill that still crept up on him and left his muscles tense and sore.

“Is that a question you genuinely want me to answer, Alfred?” Kiku always did know, after all.

He thought for a moment, though he wasn’t really. Even cocked his head to the side a little. Tried to look like he was considering his friend’s help, even if he didn’t really know what that meant anymore.

“No,” he said eventually, eyes still on that fallen clump of snow.

In the silence that followed, Alfred didn’t bother looking at Kiku. Didn’t have to; in a way he could already see the look that would be on his face. And so the blond focused on the snow, and on the spot on the treebranch, long after the little bird had flown away.

The other made a small sound, some little hum of disapproval, but didn’t press. Alfred was internally thankful of that- Kiku always seemed to know when to stop.  
Which made sense, didn’t it? There was no reason for him to be invested in the fact that Alfred was dreading visiting his own parents. Dreading, or fearing. The more he thought about it, the more pathetic he seemed to feel.  
At least Matthieu would be there. He and his twin were nowhere near as close as they were when they were 10, and living in Canada with their father had made Matty shy and soft spoken, but they still got along well. He hoped.

When Alfred let himself look back at Kiku, he’d long since looked away.  
 _Good._ Kiku didn’t need to worry after him. The more Alfred thought about it, the more stupid he felt. The little part that wanted Kiku to worry felt self centered. He hated it, but he still kept wanting something- didn't know why.  
He needed to leave.

Alfred took a deep breath and tried to steady his focus on the mug in front of him, the hot chocolate long cold. Murky brown liquid in a perfectly undisturbed white cup. The blonde wanted to crinkle his nose in disgust so he smiled instead, and gave a theatrical stretch. Happy smile, happy movements. Kiku was looking at him with an expression he didn’t have the energy to decipher.

“You’re leaving already?” he asked, and gave a little sigh when Alfred nodded yes.

“Yeah, hah. I have something to take care of. Gotta finish up some assignments, dude. It’s a bummer- I know. But uh, I can't exactly skirt out on all of that reading stuff, and no way i’m gonna do it when i’m actually on break.” He seemed to babble as he stood, like he was afraid too much silence would crack some part of the atmosphere. The movement alone took far too much effort, little black and blue spots dancing across his vision and mussing up the picture-perfect quasi french scenery of the little cafe. He inhaled, and a pang of something sharp made him catch his tongue between his teeth. The hunger pangs usually didn’t hurt this much.  
Maybe he needed more iron or potassium or something like that? He didn’t have enough energy to care.  
Alfred shifted his gaze from the mug to the smooth wooden table, mentally tracing patterns in the mahogany, and then down to his boots, then out the window in search of that little bird again.  
Focusing was hard enough normally, but… he had to get home where he could eat safely. Felt like everything was moving underwater in slow motion, too little to grasp onto. Felt like he just wanted to close his eyes. He wasn’t going to look at Kiku, figured he couldn’t bear to see whatever annoyed or disappointed or pitying expression the other was wearing.

“Alright. I’ll talk to you later, then?”  
The blonde nodded at the answer, giving a smile, and finally brought his gaze up to look at the other.  
Same thin, elegant features in the most casual expression. Alfred didn’t know exactly what he’d expected or wanted.

“Yeah. Yeah, dude, I’ll see ya.”

Alfred let his face fall once he was outside, like a mask slipping, and sighed. Snow formed a thin blanket on the sidewalk, fresh enough to only be slightly kicked up. He had to bite down just to keep his teeth from chattering, and even still he could feel the way he was starting to shake.

In a few days, he would be back in his hometown for the first time in years. He couldn't ignore his parents' incessant phone calls anymore, and even Mattie was coming down from Canada. Alfred had to go- he didn't want to keep running from his past like this. He couldn't... despite how much he really, really wanted to. Besides- he figured he could handle it. It was just a few days, how bad could it be?

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfiction ever, so please let me know what you think! criticism is appreciated!


End file.
